Toliet Wars
by Dragons Quill
Summary: The Snape’s answer s to that age old battle between men, women and the john. **See what happens when you let my imagination run wild for any length of time : ** SS/HG
1. The Last Straw

The Toilet Wars 

_Summary:_The Snape's answer(s) to that age old battle between men, women and the john. 

**A/N: This is not DH compatible, probably not very compatible with any of the books for that matter, but I tried to keep the characters cannon.**

**It is funny where and when inspiration strikes. This story hit me upon entering the bathroom while on my internship. There are six or seven guys that I work with and I am the only girl on most days. As you can imagine that such a thing as Hermione is dealing with, that I also have to as well. So my imagination that I have turned out to pasture for a time, seems now to have gone semi feral and has brought me back this inspired idea. I hope you like reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

**For those of you who are waiting ever so patiently for the next chapter in Raising Phoenix, I thank you. Don't worry I should have it up soon. I had a large chunk of it done by then my hard drive decided to take a permanent vacation and take everything I have typed in the last month and a half with it. So needless to say I have to rewrite that chapter. Lucky I was able to rescue most of my other documents from various sources. I would suggest that if you have something important, email it to yourself. It really is a good thing to have as a back up on the email server. **

**Well it seems that this authors note is a bit out of date, but then again it is always good to remind people that our wonderful technology is not exactly iron clad as we would all like to think. The next chapter of Raising Phoenix will be up soon as it is. **_**Anyways**_**, on to the story.**

Chapter 1

_The Last Straw_

"Severus, for the last time, would you please remember to put the toilet seat down when you are done!" This statement was heard echoing the dark, damp dungeon walls far too often the past two years since the Potions Master and Hogwarts' newest Transfigurations teacher Hermione Granger (now Snape) had been married. This statement was usually followed with a somewhat noncommittal grunt of a semi-apologetic, "I will remember next time dear." But of course, he would 'forget' again next time.

Well, enough was enough as far as Hermione was concerned. She was finally fed up, sick and tired of trying to deal with the toilet seat suck in its non-original and upright position every time she wanted to use the loo. She had been talking to her friends and it seemed that they were not having such a big problem as herself. Ginny had trained Harry to put the seat down after use, Luna had trained Neville and even Susan had somehow managed to train the impossibly hard headed and highly habitual Ron to put it back down when he was done. She just didn't get it. She had done everything she possibly could to make the man remember that the toilet seat should be lowered when finished short of swatting him with a rolled up newspaper. 

Finally she decided that the spectrum from gentle persuasion to nagging him about it was not going to work, so she decided that she was going to have to get creative. After thinking about what she could possibly do to help encourage the outcome she wanted she was suddenly hit with a bolt of inspiration. With an ever so slightly evil grin of one who has a terribly naughty idea, and a twinkle in her eye that could rival any from Dumbledore, she gathered her things to go out one Saturday and apparated to Diagon Alley. She had some visiting to do with the twins and a favor to cash in from Fred. 

**A/N: Well I hope you all liked it. I have a couple more chapters before it is all finished. I would like at least five reviews before I post the next chapter. The only reason I do this is that my little shorties don't seem to ever get any reviews and it makes me sad to not know what is going on out their in fanfic land. Do people like what I have written or not? Anyways, I love to hear from you all.**

** as always I have to mention my wonderful fan fic sis **Skydancinghobbit** who helps me weed out the bad ideas. hope you enjoy this little fic- Dragons Quill **


	2. Attempt 1

**A/N: all righty thanks for the reviews everyone, it seems that there are people out there who like my short stories, Yeah! For those who are wondering why I am able to post this so fast, well this little story has been floating around my computer for a couple weeks and I just finished it a day or two before I started posting. Ok, well on to the next chapter. **

Chapter 2

_Attempt Number 1_

Severus was well aware that leaving the toilet seat up annoyed Hermione to no end, and to be perfectly honest, that is why he did it. It had first begun innocently enough as it were. He had been a bachelor for something like twenty years before he became interested in Hermione in any manner other than that of a student/teacher relationship. He had always left the toilet seat up, as he was the only one using it. It was perfectly natural for him to see the underside of the seat and hardly ever see the top. He did not completely understand the whole need for it to be down at all times. It should have been perfectly natural to always check the seats position when planning on doing anything in that particular room. With a deep mental sigh he resigned himself to having to hear about the state of the toilet seat for the rest of his life. He figured that he would never understand women and how their brains worked or why they made such a big deal about it in the first place.

He had had to admit to Hermione's intelligence, beauty and wit after the war and especially after she had come back to Hogwarts to teach. She had been gone for three years after she had graduated, the war taking up one of those years and the two others were dedicated to her schooling. She had come back to take Minerva's place as she was now Head Mistress after the unfortunate and untimely death of Dumbledore by Severus' hand. Severus had been acquitted of murder by the Wizagamot after evidence regarding the unbreakable vow that Dumbledore had made him make concerning his death. He may not have been welcomed back with open arms, but he had been offered his old job and salary back. He could not refuse, knowing that there were very few who would hire him otherwise. 

Soon after Hermione had arrived back at Hogwarts she had been making an effort to talk to him. He had at first resisted, but he finally relented after picking some of the hardest topics he could think of to carry a conversation, and watched as she responded intelligently and with ease. Soon their conversations turned away from academics and into more personal things. Finally about a year after she came back he haltingly asked if she would like to go with him to a seminar on the properties of different muggle items in potions and then catch dinner afterwards. She had beamed at him and accepted immediately.

Soon after the seminar they began to officially date and within a year he proposed. She accepted and he had been nothing but happy for weeks afterwards. This still had not changed, he still loved Hermione greatly and believed he would never tire of her. There were however, a few things he wished he could change about her, or more specifically, things she always did that seemed to annoy him. One of the main things, was her tendency to sing in the shower. He loved to hear her voice when she would speak to him and especially liked to encourage her to sing his name in many octaves when they were alone and the door well warded. But the one thing he could not stand was her shower singing voice, especially in the shower where the acoustics of the marble bathroom would amplify her voice. The problem was that she was quite tone deaf and seemed to sing the same song, in the key that she was most ill-equipped to sing in, over and over again. He was even beginning to hate that certain song no matter who sang it he had heard it so many times, which annoyed him, because he had originally loved that song. 

After asking dropping many hints that perhaps she should not sing in the shower, he finally had given up. He had tried to put a silencing spell on the bathroom door, but he soon found that even if he did, the sound still managed to seep through and attack him. He knew that he could not come out and tell Hermione that she sang badly, after all he was a male Slytherin, nothing was ever stated plainly. But more importantly, Hermione was a female Gryffindor. And as a Gryffindor she was prone to having a strong streak of pridefulness directly next to the streak labeled 'feelings can be hurt easily' and 'will probably take such a callous comment the wrong way'. So Severus decided that he would resolve the issue by adding something else to the mix, leaving the toilet seat up after he had finished. He actually made it a point on days that he was feeling terribly bad, to go into the bathroom after she had left the area and putting the seat up, because he could. How exactly he figured that this would help is a bit of a mystery, but it might have something to do with misery loves company or just the sadistic side of him coming out in a rather passive aggressive way. The exact reasons are unknown, but the point is that he would do it, on purpose. 

Now Severus was faced with a new problem. He had thought little of the fact that Hermione had left one Saturday and come back late carrying a large package wrapped in nondescript brown paper wrapping. She often went out on Saturdays and came back with packages of things she needed. He actually didn't even think much of it when he had spied a large amount of brown paper in the trash the next day. What he should have noticed however was that on the other side of the brown paper was a flashy red and gold sticker that read Weasley's Joke Shop. He however did notice the sticker after presented with his new problem. The toilet seat would not move. It was stuck with what seemed like a permeate sticking charm to the bowl, except that wasn't the whole problem, this toilet seat seemed to have a personality as well. Every time that he would use the loo the seat would somehow conjure water out of thin air and squirt it back at him! This could not stand! He would not allow it! He decided that if it was a war that she wanted than it was a war that she would have on her hands. So later that week when he was in Diagon Alley to pick up ingredients from the apocathary he decided that he would also pay the twins a little visit, he also had a favor to call in from George. 

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and as before 5 reviews please, I always love to hear what you all think. Oh and yeah, I know that I spelled apocathary wrong, but I really can't find any place that it is spelled right and spell check won't talk to me any more, I think it has had one too many heart attacks with my spelling issues, it just puts up a little drop down bar that says **_**no suggestions**_**. Stinker. **

**As always I have to mention my wonderful fan fic sis and beta **Skydancinghobbit **who is the one to blame for me writing too much fan fic grin. She also has some good stuff up so go check out her stuff too if you have the time. Hope you all enjoy- Dragons Quill **


	3. Attempt 2

**A/N: Wow! I did not expect to get 5 reviews in like 3 hours. but I did say that I would post when I got them. So I will post again tonight! Enjoy this chapter!**

Chapter 3

_Attempt #2_

Severus, after discovering his wife's new addition to the wonderful world of toiletry, decided that he would make his own addition to the bathroom. The constant but usually merely passive battle over the toilet seat position had now boiled over into something far more tactile. His wife had made the first move, so Severus was obliged to retaliate the best way he knew how. If she could find herself a toilet seat that would pee back at him as well as refuse to lift for ease of use, then he could find one that would make her life in the loo difficult as well. He was not positive, but he was quite sure that she had cashed in or at least called for help, the second and third banes of his existence, the Weasley twins Fred and George. 

It did not matter how long they had been out of school, they still plagued the hallowed halls of Hogwarts on a nearly daily basis. They had become legends in their own time in the school, he had heard that Filtch had an entire filing cabinet dedicated to foiled plots, provable cases and then suspected cases of misbehavior and massive mischief on their parts. Now there were various gags, candies and contraptions that had filtered their way into the common school populace and plagued his existence at every turn. Now Severus decided that he would cash in on some of their destructive and mischievous genius. He knew that they would probably not help him willingly or without some sort of persuasion, but he had a secret weapon. 

It was back in their second year when they were getting their prankster ways into full swing that Severus had seized upon an opportunity. He could see their potential and wondered vaguely why they had not been put into Slytherin for their obvious cunning when it came to executing a prank. Although he could see that most were done without malice, unlike a Slytherin would have done. During one of their laundry list of pranks that year he had actually caught them in the act of setting up a particular stunt aimed at a particular student, or group of students. These students were in his house and he was familiar with their ways. After extracting the purpose and target for the prank he had then let them continue, making them promise that they would actually carry out the stunt. 

Gob-smacked was the least description that could be used for the disbelieving twins who were quite sure that he was going to try to get the headmaster to kick them out if they actually went through with the stunt with prior knowledge of a teacher. After explaining his reasoning behind allowing them to do the stunt this then lead to an Oath between the two claiming that one party could not punish the other and in return the spared party must provide a favor for the other. Well he was going to cash in on that favor and get back at Hermione. The students that the twins had been targeting were highly arrogant as well as higher ranking Death Eater's children at the time. He had done everything he could to discipline them under Death Eater supervision and his Head of House status. What he had been able to hand out was not something he felt was enough, so letting the particular prank occur, allowed maybe even just a little bit more poetic justice than what he was allowed to hand out openly.

**A/N: ok so there is one more chapter to go. I will not post it tonight though, no matter how many reviews I get. I will wait at least until tomorrow night. That way everyone has something to look forward to. I would like 5 reviews though please. I really do love to hear what you are all thinking about. **

**As always I must thank my fanfic sister and beta **Skydancinghobbit** for her patience when encountering the darker recesses of my imagination where scary thing loom. Enjoy this chapter! Live, Laugh, Love- Dragons Quill**


	4. An Armistice

**A/N: Happy Easter everyone, hope you all got something sweet for the holiday! All right, this is the last chapter, yeah I know sad, but it was really only meant as something to blow off some steam, so it is only 4 little chapters, but take heart, this is the longest chapter. Enjoy.**

Chapter 4 

_An Armistice _

Hermione couldn't say that she hadn't expected it, but she just hadn't expected it so soon or it to be so bold. It would seem that her husband had also spent some time conversing with the twins. What he had done to them to get them to agree she did not know, but it would seem that they had gone all out, so whatever he had done it must have been powerful. It had been only two weeks after acquiring the Wizzmaster 1000 that she encountered the newest of the Weasly twin's inventions involving toiletries. 

She had been innocently going about her morning routine one weekend when she had one of the biggest surprises of her life. As she had settled herself upon the loo the seat took it upon itself to slap her behind. Jumping up in surprise she looked down at the seat. The thing sat upon the bowl just as innocently as any other toilet seat and looked just like the seat that had always been on the toilet. Deciding that she was imagining things and that her husband hadn't stooped so 'low' himself as to actually buy and use a Weasly product she sat back down. Once again the seat walloped her across her rear. 

Jumping back up and then looking in the mirror she saw proof she wasn't imagining things. There across her rear was what looked like a large red handprint where someone had slapped her. Gabbing her wand and pointing it at the red spot she cast a healing spell. But there was a problem, the red hand mark did not go away, neither did the sting associated with it. That was strange; usually she could heal herself without trouble. With a sigh she decided that she would just have to live with it and hoped she wouldn't get a bruise, if she did, Severus would have hell to pay. Actually she figured that he would have to pay up anyways, but perhaps not quite as bad as if she turned up black and blue. It was actually that same afternoon that she had been abused by her own toilet that Hermione called upon the twins again.

"Fred, George! I need to speak with you both NOW!" She told them both with a slight growl upon entering their crowded joke shop. Both men looked slightly worried by the flash in her eyes and excused themselves, leaving their employees to run the shop while they escorted Hermione into the back.

"What is it that we can do for you Hermione?" Fred asked in an off handed 'innocent' tone.

"For starters why did you sell Severus a toilet seat that smacks people?" Hermione asked, giving them a disapproving look.

"Excellent." Fred said to George. "It looks like we can go into full scale production then."

"Great, I will inform Janet to begin the paper work."

"Hello!" Hermione called. "Earth to galaxy Weasly! Not the answer to the question. Please focus, I would like to use my own bathroom without fear of being accosted by the fixtures. Why did you sell Severus such a toilet seat?"

"We didn't sell it to him." George told her.

"What do you mean you didn't sell it to him?" She asked indignantly. "I lifted the seat and your sticker was on the underside! Don't lie to me!"

"We aren't lying." Fred told her. "It was a prototype; we let him have it for research purposes."

"You have to be joking." She said somewhere between astonishment and an angry glare.

"Nope. Came in yesterday, we had a quick chat and then he was on his way. Wonderful sort of chap to do business with." George smiled just a bit too innocently.

"Are you guys high on something?" She asked. "When did you two begin to refer to Severus as a 'wonderful sort of chap'? And what sort of 'business' are you referring to?"

"We made an agreement with him a long time ago." George confessed. "We owed him a favor and he lent us a bit of his devious mind for a few minutes. In that time we devised the Crack Thwacker 100." Hermione merely groaned in a tone between disgust and personal unbelief with a slight shake of her head. 

"Now thanks to you we know it was a success. Now we can expand our toiletries section, perhaps we can even extend into other types of hardware or appliances." Fred said just a bit too enthusiastically. 

"Ok," Hermione said holding up her hand. "I do believe I have heard enough. All I want now is some sort of retaliation device. What else do you boys have? It better be good and something that won't hurt anyone."

"Fine." They sighed, and then they put their heads together for a moment discussing things in a manner that it seems that only the twins understand. After a few minutes of Hermione watching them gesture almost frantically and their words going just as fast they both turned to her with a smile.

"We might have an idea you'll like." Fred said. "Currently we have a toilet seat in testing right now called the Diaperator. Perhaps we can modify it into something we would like to call the Tushtoaster."

"What?" Hermione asked. "I need more of an explanation than that." 

"Well the Diaperator incinerates dirty diapers. All you have to do is drop the diaper into the toilet, close the lid and then poof, presto your diaper is gone and you flush away the ash. So far it has certainly made my house smell better." George said. The twins had been married a few years earlier to the Patil twins and so far George had two children while Fred had one and then one on the way. 

"And how will your diaper disposal device help in my retaliation?"

"Every time he goes to sit upon the seat himself or goes to reach to put it up, a jet of flame will shoot out at him and give the semblance that someone has spent quite some time soaking up the sun." Fred said.

"That just sounds dangerous." Hermione said. "I would eventually like to have some kids of my own with Severus you know and it would be very beneficial to the cause to have him in one piece and all parts untoasted."

"Eww." George shuttered. "It was bad enough when you married him, we really don't need to know anything about your sex life, and especially not with Snape. It is bad enough to have to think about Professor Snape and the words 'sex life' in the same thought or sentence."

Hermione was on the verge of whacking both of them, especially since her butt still hurt. "Enough boys." She grumbled. "Is there anything else that you can come up with that won't compromise my future as a mother?"

"Well I'm sure we could come up with some sort of device that might fling something at him when he's not looking if the seat is up." Fred said thoughtfully, "but it would take some time to get it right."

"Never mind." Hermione said. "I will handle this in a different way. Thanks for the help, I think." She said with a shake of her head. "I will show myself out. Hope you guys have a good day, and try not to send too much stuff back to Hogwarts."

"But Hogwarts has always been our favorite place, our original testing ground and our emergence onto the scene of jokesters." George said, with a hint of a wistful wine in his voice. 

"I give up. I'll talk to you all later." She said throwing up her hands and leaving with a slight grin on her face. She decided that she was not going to win without hurting someone if she continued the way that she was thinking. Besides, she wasn't sure if the 'Tushtoaster' couldn't be turned on her if things go too bad. She knew she didn't want a jet of flame shooting towards her butt, especially considering that it could incinerate a dirty diaper. 

Apparating back to Hogwarts she walked slowly up to the castle doors, thinking all the way. Perhaps it was time to try one more avenue that had not been tried with her husband… just as soon as that butt slapping toilet seat was removed from the scene. Once she was in the entrance hall she called for a house elf and informed them that they should remove the toilet seat and replace it with a regular one at once. Then she made her way down to her chambers, hoping that Severus would be there as well.

Hermione opened the door to their chambers and walked into the sitting area and then the room that served as his office while in their chambers, hers was through another door. Severus was sitting behind his desk scowling down at the essay in front of him as he slashed copious amounts of blood red ink across the paper. Severus glanced up when she came into the room.

"You're back already?" he asked innocently. "I would have thought you would have been out longer."

"Nope, I decided to come back from shopping earlier today and you should thank me because of It." she told him with a mischievous grin, sauntering her way over to stand beside him.

"And why exactly is that?" he asked, interest perked enough to put down his quill and stopper his ink bottle.

"Because I saved you from quite an uncomfortable… end." she told him, taking out her wand and flicking it in the direction of his chair, causing it to levitate just slightly so she could pull the chair and him smoothly out from behind the desk.

"Is that so?" 

"Yes." She said, putting her wand down on the desk and then straddling him as he sat in the chair, facing him. He gave a surprised but appreciative grunt when she did this, bringing his hands to wrap around her waist. "The twins wanted me to try out their newest invention the TushToaster. Unlike you I was able to restrain myself, even after my encounter with the Crack Thwaker 100." Severus was unsure if he should smirk or begin to get worried, he chose silence and a slightly raised eyebrow as a response. "So…" Hermione asked him. "Why don't we call it a truce before someone gets hurt, well any more hurt." 

"You are hurt?" he asked.

"Well, perhaps not much more than my pride, but if my rear turns out black and blue from that horrid seat of yours that you 'borrowed' than you will certainly be learning how comfortable the couch can be. Perhaps I shall even allow the twins to have some fun with the couch before you are allowed to sleep on It." she threatened with a stern look, but she still had a smirk on her face as well. 

"You wouldn't." 

"Want to bet?" 

"Ok, fine, what are the conditions of this truce you propose?"

"You put the toilet seat down when you are done."

"What is it with you and the toilet seat?"

"Have you ever fallen in? In the middle of the night no less?" 

"No, can't say that I have." He smirked.

"Well I have, and I can assure you that it is not on my list of top ten things I would like to repeat." Severus smirked at that, imagining her falling in. Hermione glared at him. 

"Fine, on one condition."

"What is your condition?" she asked cautiously, this was too easy, there had to be a catch.

"That you don't sing in the shower any more."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Hermione, dear, as much as I love you, I must really tell you, that in the shower, you are quite tone deaf." Hermione looked shocked and then scowled darkly at him. "Despite that though, I think that you sound wonderful when you great me each morning and when you make my name your personal pleasure mantra." 

"You would." She snorted.

"Yes." He agreed. "So will we have a deal?" he asked leaning forward enough to run his lips along her throat.

"That's not fair." She protested even as she offered him up more of her neck. "We never made this part of the bargaining."

"Ah, now that is where you are wrong." He purred as he managed to slip a few of the buttons down the front of her robes. "You brought it into the bargaining as soon as you claimed your spot upon my chair while my person was very much in the same space."

"Slytherin." She hissed as he applied himself to her newly bared skin.

"Of course, what else would you expect from the Head of that house? Certainly not a Gryffindor's silly sense of right and wrong and honor, besides it would seem that I have done well Slytherinizing you." He smirked. "Although I will perhaps have to work on Slytherinizing you some more, right now."

"I would like that… I mean, whatever could you mean Severus?" she purred, working her own way down the front of his robes to expose the pale white skin of his chest and torso. 

"Oh I believe you know exactly what I am talking about witch." He growled lightly, grasping her around the waist tightly and then standing up with her feet off the ground. She obligingly wrapped her legs around his torso and he carried her off to their bedchambers to continue their negotiations.

As it turned out Hermione no longer sang in the shower, but was indeed allowed to still hum any tune besides the one she had been stuck upon for… forever. The toilet seat also was allowed to do its job and remain in contact with the bowl. When ever Severus forgot to put it back where it began Hermione would always belt out the loudest thing she could think of, usually some sort of opera in the worst possible key for her voice while in the shower. This usually resulted in many of even the other staff members managing to hear her retaliation and calling upon Severus to end their torment. When ever Hermione forgot and began to sing in the shower again Severus felt totally entitled to dredge out the old Crack Thwaker and sit it upon the toilet for another round. It seemed like quite a 'harmonious' arrangement.

**A/N: ok, well I hope you all liked it. I know that it was a lot of fun to write and hatch. I know it is the end, but all good things must come to and end. Feel free to leave me a parting thought about my work or go check out some of my other things if you haven't already. **

**As always I must pay homage to my wonderful beta** Skydancinghobbit** who I was quite sure would need resuscitation from laughing so hard as I read her this fic. Good thing she survived or I would be stuck without a good friend and I would probably would have had to figure out how to take care of Fetch (her puppy dragon) and Fluffy (her basilisk), I really don't think it would work out if I fed them to one another. For those of you who know of Fetch you will know what I mean, for those who don't go check out Romancing the shadow, by my beta and you will understand the destruction which can be wroth when a puppy is loose in the castle, things will **_**never**_** be the same. **

**Anyways, I am glad that this little fic got such a wonderfully fast response and that I have now been left more than the reviews I asked for. Enjoy the rest of your time wondering around in fan fic land- Dragons Quill**


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